This creatively satirical list of dos and don'ts for Nigerian air travelers to the United States is particularly perceptive in light of the Obama administration's rather knee-jerk and ill-advised inclusion of Nigeria on a list of terrorist countries whose citizens must undergo extra screening at the airports on account of a lone alleged attempted terrorist act by a Nigerian.
I tweaked the original list a little. Well, here we go:
New Rules of Air travel for People of Nigerian Origin in the United States
1. Do not go to the toilet for the whole duration of your flight.
2. Do not carry any kind of container into the airport, or onto the plane.
3. Do not request for a window seat. Do not ask to sit in the aisle. Any request for specific seating may be indications of a premeditated plot.
4. If you are given food during the flight, ask the flight attendant not to give you cutlery. A Nigerian with a sharp implement on a plane is asking to be arrested.
5. Do keep your hands in plain sight during the flight. Do not look too happy or too sad.
6. Do not be too polite to flight attendants.
7. Do not be aggressive or have aggressive thoughts toward flight attendants
8. Try not to have any form of carry-on luggage. If you do, make sure it contains nothing suspicious or dangerous like pens, pencils, paper, or a calculator, as these are common bomb-making materials.
9. Do not carry any electronic items that may be used to communicate with the Taliban, or al-Qaeda, or used for surveillance--like cell phones, iPods, walkmans, electric toothbrushes or cameras.
10. NEVER travel with your laptop computer.
11. Never travel if you have any kind of facial marks. That includes the small marks you have managed to cover with facial hair.
12. Do not travel to the U.S if you are an engineer, if you have ever lived in London, if you have ever traveled to the Middle East, or if your father is a banker.
13. Do not talk to other Nigerians on the same flight as you. It makes other people nervous.
14. Do not ask to be upgraded to first class or business class. Sitting too close to the front of the plane makes the pilot nervous.
15. Never admit to your fellow passengers that you are Nigerian. If asked, say you are from the (non-existent) Republic of Zamunda in East Africa.
16. When you are getting onto the plane, do not even glance at the cockpit.
17. Women, do not wear wigs, weaves or hair pieces. Any form of disguise is suspicious.
18. Take a cold shower before coming to the airport. Sweating and scratching yourself is a sign of nervousness. Why are you nervous?
19. Do not fart on the plane. Noxious smells might indicate that you have bomb-making chemicals hidden in your underpants.
20. Do not go home with the free magazines on the plane. Yes, it says "free," but that is just a test. Leave the plane with those magazines and you'll be arrested.
21. Wear clean underwear and be ready for a full body/cavity search.
22. Do not carry any potentially dangerous or toxic substances onto the plane like toothpaste, cough mixture, bottled water, mouthwash, lipstick, chewing gum, or baby formula. Make sure your baby diapers are empty.
23. Do not get angry with fellow passengers, for any reason, even if it's their fault. You will still be arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay.
24. Do not travel by air into, out of, or across the U.S. if you are a Muslim.
Muslim is defined as :
a. Any person with a suspicious name like Mohammed, Fatal, Fatima, Umar Farouk, Barrack, or Ibrahim--or any Nigerian whose last name starts with El-, Al-, or Abdul-. All Nigerian Alhajis, Alhajas, Alfas and Imams are forbidden from entering the U.S. airspace
b. Anyone that has ever entered a mosque.
c. Anyone that knows what a mosque is.
d. Anyone that dresses in long flowing garments.
e. Anyone that has a beard.
NOTE: If you converted from Islam to Christianity, you are still classified as a Muslim.
25. Always travel with some kind of proof that you are a Christian. Preferably always travel with your pastor.
26. Do not attract attention to yourself. Do not drive to the airport in your Mercedes or Honda like a typical Nigerian. Instead, drive an American car like Pontiac or Chevy. You may be lucky to be mistaken for an American. Or a Haitian.
27. Do not ask to drink soda, tea, or coffee in the airport or on the plane. Always ask for alcohol to prove you are not a Muslim.
28. Do not travel by air in the U.S. if you have ever had a parking ticket, suspected of extra-marital affairs, stolen stationery from your office, or if you have ever exceeded the speed limit. This is a sign of severe subversive terrorist tendency.
27. Do not travel on or around Christmas day or on September 11. Avoid traveling on or around Easter, Thanksgiving , Independence Day, or New Year's Day. Avoid traveling on Muslim holidays, too. Avoid air travel in the summer or winter.. (NOTE: no specific reason; it's just to piss you off!)
28. YORUBA people, please, do not prostrate to greet your elders at the airport!!! People may think you are dodging bullets or protecting yourself from a bomb blast.
29. NEVER, EVER carry any kind of Nigerian food onto a U.S. aircraft. Those are terroristic stuff.
30. Wearing agbadas, head ties, wrappers, danshikis, etc to the airport is not recommended. They make you look very un-American and therefore potentially dangerous.
31. Do not act like a typical Nigerian for the duration of the flight. This includes speaking any language other than American English. Speaking any funny language is to be avoided. If you have elderly parents that do not speak American English, they should NOT speak for the duration of the flight. If spoken to, their only response to anything should be "Yeah, man."
32. DO not talk to your fellow passengers. Statements like "hello there!" might be misconstrued to mean "Hello, you are my next victim!" Statements like "Hello, my name is Mohammed," may be interpreted as "my name is Mohammed and I'm gonna blow up this goddamn plane!"
33. Do not wear large afros that may conceal weapons or bombs.
34.Do not carry any kind of document, newspaper, or book that contains any form of Arabic inscription or writing. You will be detained until a translator is found.
35. Do not argue when you are told your luggage is overweight. Apologize profusely and pay double what they ask you to pay for excess luggage.
This guide was created by the Nigerian Counter-Terrorism Unit. Research was sponsored by The Save Your Behind (SYB) Trust Fund.