"WR6_gUnUj-ztiW07KQcOCnTel9A"/> Notes From Atlanta: Mourning My Wife and Best Friend

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Mourning My Wife and Best Friend

By Farooq A. Kperogi

This is far and away the most difficult piece I’ve ever had to write in my entire life. At first I had neither the emotional strength nor the desire to write this. Then when I stabilized emotionally and felt motivated enough to write I didn’t know what to write—or how to write. I put off writing this piece more than 10 times in less than two weeks.

 How can I possibly capture, in mere words, the welter of emotions that continue to perniciously smolder the entire fiber of my being since the tragic passing away of Mrs. Zainab Musa Kperogi, my loving wife and best friend? Where do I start from? What should I say? What should I leave out? If this piece comes across as desultory and disjointed, it is because I have not resolved these questions.

 When Zainab told me she would drive to Kaduna with our three kids to visit her twin sister, my instinctive inclination was to discourage her—as I often did. But I had no good reason to do so this time around. Her twin sister, Hajia Aisha, the only person with whom she shared both parents, had visited from her base in Kaduna twice in three months. And Zainab’s three-month maternity leave was going to expire on the Monday after the accident that took her life, which meant that she might not be able to return her sister’s visits in a long while. Plus, Hauwa (whom we call Sinani at home), our first daughter, always eagerly looks forward to visiting her cousins in Kaduna. So I thought it would be unreasonable to discourage her from traveling.

 But I have an intensely deep-seated paranoia about road travel in Nigeria with which my late wife had become well-acquainted. I would often tell her that I was uncomfortable with the idea of her driving herself all the way to Kaduna, although she was by far a more skilful driver than I could ever hope to be. She would ask why and I would say it was because of the unsettling stories I’d always read about whole families perishing in car crashes in Nigeria. But she would say, “God forbid! By Allah’s grace, that won’t happen to us.” But those assurances had been little comfort to me.

So on June 4 when she, along with our three children and her paternal half-brother’s maternal half sister who helped her with domestic chores, set out for Kaduna, I was severely apprehensive—as I always had been each time she drove herself to Kaduna. This apprehension manifested forcefully in my dreams. At exactly the time she had the accident, I had a dream of her coming out of a car looking noticeably depressed. My recollection of the dream is indistinct now, but I recall that I was angry with her over something she did and I flew into a rage. But she was uncharacteristically calm and penitent.

The sangfroid and grace she showed in the face of my petulant flare-up disarmed me. So I went and hugged her and apologized for my childish outburst. She forgave me without questions. And that got me even more emotional. I cried hysterically and assured her that I loved her way more than my fragile male ego allowed me to admit.

I woke up in convulsive gasps of sobs. I then decided that when I called her in a moment’s time (although I’d just woken up in Atlanta, it was late afternoon in Nigeria) I would give her the same assurances of my undying love that I’d given her in my dream. Just then I got a call from my wife’s twin sister’s husband, Dr. Ibrahim Okunade, who teaches physics at Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria.

After observing the familiar conversational civilities rather clumsily, he said, “Farooq, it has happened o!” And he started sobbing uncontrollably. My instincts immediately told me what it was that had “happened” but I’d perversely hoped against hope that it was someone else it had “happened” to. “Zainab died in road accident a few minutes ago,” he said. I almost fainted. Then he added immediately: “But the three children survived unharmed.” It was like someone had pushed me to the frightening edge of a very steep cliff and then pulled me back again just when I was about to fall off.

My world as I know it has crumbled irreversibly. It will never be the same again. I am learning to come to terms with that tragic, soul-depressing fact. Zainab was everything to me. She was first my best friend before she became my wife and mother of my children. We fell in love the first day we set eyes on each other in May 1999 at the Weekly Trust head office in Kaduna where I had been a reporter for nearly a year. Then it turned out that we shared similar passions. She was an English grammar nerd—like I am. (She studied English and Language Arts at the University of Ibadan). Lively discussions and arguments about English grammar and style were the stuff of our interaction in the first few months of our courtship.
Me and Zainab in June 1999

Zainab was one of the most brilliant grammarians and writers that I’ve ever known. But she was so modest and self-effacing about her intellectual strengths that she didn’t often get the credit or recognition that she deserved. Plus, because of the prevailing patriarchal arrogance of our society, people often whispered behind her back that I wrote most of her pieces. This worried her a lot. The truth is that we were each other’s editors and writing coaches. She spruced up my pieces as much as I did hers. But no one, to my knowledge, ever alleged that she wrote my articles.

In Zainab I had the most supportive wife that anybody could ever hope for. Before we got married, for instance, I told her of my intention to pursue graduate studies in the United States. I even suggested that we delay our wedding until I got my Ph.D., but she assured me that marriage wouldn’t stand in the way of my aspirations. She promised to give me all the support I needed.

 And, sure enough, she was the happiest person when I was accepted to study for my master’s degree at the University of Louisiana, Lafayette, just two years after our wedding. To demonstrate her commitment to her promise to support my aspirations, she actually paid half of my airfare to the United States and had been supportive of me in ways words are incapable of expressing.

Hardly any day passed by without us speaking on the phone or having video chats on Yahoo! Messenger or Skype. Of course, there was no summer that we didn’t visit each other for at least three months. But she resisted relocating to the United States because, by U.S. immigration laws, she would not be able to work until and unless my immigration status changed. She didn’t want to be entirely dependent on me.

Zainab was also the most kind-hearted person that I’ve ever known. One of her greatest passions was to help people who were less well-off than she was. She couldn’t live with the thought of keeping “bulk money” while other people suffered. That’s why she had no savings. Two days before her death, she asked me to send her some money in addition to the monthly upkeep allowance I sent to her. It turned out that she actually withdrew half of her own salary, added it to what I’d sent to her, and then deposited various sums of money to the accounts of five different needy people on the Friday that she died. She was compulsively kind-hearted but in ways that weren’t apparent to many people.

She also always gave money to my parents, siblings, and extended family members without even informing me. My mom and dad always wondered what they had done to deserve the uncommon graciousness and kindness they got from Zainab. But her grace wasn’t limited to giving unsolicited money to my family members; she was also like the glue that cemented cracks in my family wall. Just two days before her death, for instance, she settled a long-drawn-out quarrel between my younger sister and me. She would also often remind me to touch base with family and friends, alert me of the birthdays and anniversaries of family and friends, and advise me on what kinds of gifts to give to people.

But Zainab’s death isn’t inconsolably heart-rending only because she was my wife, best friend, and confidante, or because she was generous, benevolent, obliging, and deeply religious; her death is tragic also because it dramatizes the illogic and meanness of this life. Life was unfair to her from the cradle to the grave.

 Her  mom, after whom we named our second daughter, Maryam, was in a coma for 12 days after she gave birth to her and twin sister, Aisha, who teaches environmental science at Kaduna Polytechnic. Shortly after their painful birth through C-section, their dad and mom divorced mysteriously. So they were raised by their dad’s wives in harsh, loveless conditions. And just when they got into the university, their stupendously wealthy dad died at the age of 47. They were cheated out of the massive inheritance their dad left behind: they didn’t get a penny from it. Then less than 10 years after their dad’s death, their mom also died in a car crash.

But she wasn’t bitter. She found refuge and strength in Islam and always hoped and prayed that things would change for the better soon. I was scheduled to graduate with my Ph.D. this December. This prospect—and what it entailed for us— excited her intensely, as it did me. The whole family was planning to attend my graduation. And then, suddenly, without warning, she died in a cruel, violent accident, leaving behind three innocent kids, including our three-month-old Adam who will never know the soothing motherly care and comfort that only she could give. Who says life isn’t a bitch?

But we can’t afford to give in to the disempowering tyranny of despair. That would be a disservice to the perpetual optimism that defined Zainab’s life. We can only pray that her soul—and that of Tobi, her half-sister who also died in the car crash—rest in peace.

 I also want to use this opportunity to express my gratitude for the effusion of empathy and support I’ve been receiving from friends, fans, and family since her death. May God reward you all.


15 comments:

Nan said...

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon... I cried reading this.Please accept my profound condolence. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

May Allah give you the strength to persevere. She was a wonderful soul, may He give her nothing short of Jannatul Firdaus (Amin).

mury said...

Allah ya jikan hajiya Zainab da rahmar sa ya kuma sa aljannah ce makomar ta. Allah ya albarkaci abin da ta bari baya.

TR Morris said...

A lovely tribute. Tami

Habiba-Umaimah said...

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un. May Allah give you strength to bear such loss and provide your three kids with love as much as their mother would've shown them, and more.

Tai Ajl said...

I pray that may God grant you the fortitude to bear the loss. I pray that God will watch over your children, especially in this difficult times.

Anonymous said...

I wept when Zainab was lowered in her beautiful grave that morning.Reading Farooq's piece on his late wife,I wept again and pray Almighty Allah will rest her soul in Jannatul Firdausi.My only consolation is that I was able to pay my last respect and honor to a friend who we all knew was a fountain of knowledge and a bridge builder.It was very sad saying the last goodbye to Zainab Musa Kperogi.

Hassan Mahmood Ibrahim said...

I wept when Zainab was lowered in her beautiful grave that morning.Reading Farooq's piece on his late wife,I wept again and pray Almighty Allah will rest her soul in Jannatul Firdausi.My only consolation is that I was able to pay my last respect and honor to a friend who we all knew was a fountain of knowledge and a bridge builder.It was very sad saying the last goodbye to Zainab Musa Kperogi.

Matt J. Duffy said...

A beautiful homage to your wife -- thank you, Farooq for sharing this. Look forward to seeing you again soon and meeting your three beautiful children one day...

James Ololo said...

Dearest Farooq,

Am deeply saddened to read about the untimely death of your beloved wife Zainab at a time you needed her most. My profound sympathy to your children and rest of your families. At the same time I want to thank you. Thank you for the courage to to write such a moving homage. Thank you because you're a beacon of hope to many of us and thank you for loving your dear wife Zainab the way you did.

I ask God almighty to give you the courage and strength so that you successfully accomplish your studies according to the original plan and that the children can one day say "our dad took over from where mum left".

God bless you Farooq.

Anonymous said...

To God belongs what he took, and to Him belongs what He gave, and He has set for everything an appointed time. So have patience and seek reward.
May God make your reward great, ease your pain, and forgive the deceased. Amen.
Alhassan

Farooq A. Kperogi said...

Thank y'all for your kind and thoughtful comments.

Sai said...

Farooq,
I happened to read your blog by chance and this post has moved me to tears.

Words cannot express what I want to convey to you, a complete stranger. All I can say that I sincerely pray for you and your family to heal from this loss.

Carol said...

When we lose someone we love so deeply, it is as if the very constellations have changed. Your dream, difficult as it was, showed that you and Zainab have a link that goes far beyond our mundane notions of time and space. You are still in relationship with her, but it is a changed relationship now. May your memories of her give you comfort and joy, strength and purpose.

Ask all who knew Zainab to tell stories of who she was, how she moved through the world, in as much detail as possible, and make copies in an album for each of your children.

When we grieve we are not grieving in Nigeria, or grieving in America. We're grieving in our own small country, in our own way. But that country is a peninsula, not an island, and helping hands are at the border for when your healing journey brings you back from those difficult places.

Shadie said...

Ha, Dr Kperogi,

I did not know about this tragic incident until now that I was about to send some message to you about SNEM.

It is really touching to read your message. However, I thank you that you gathered yourself to get it out of your chest.

I pray Almighty God to give you the fortitude to bear the loss and the strength to cater for your kids that she left behind.

I wish you accomplish your studies successfully and have a happy graduation. (I always address you as Dr. Kperogi. I thought you were already a Phd graduate. Anyway, I was not too far from being right).

Once again, thank you for your courage and God bless you in Jesus' name. Amen.

Shadie (Evang).

Kabiru Umar Gumel said...

Late zainab will be raised in the garden of paradise for her intention to visit a close relative. God had destined her to die in such a route. May Allah bless her siblings and enrich you with another wife that will substite and take over. Accept my condolences please.